Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

My teenage children choosing violence

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.