“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
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I have taken up painting
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Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Meeeee too!
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*seductively corrects your posture*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Raisins are grape jerky.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me