Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Self-cleaning conscience

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.