Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

just got my engagement photos

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”