@isabelzawtun

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

You Might Also Like

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@AnkCoupleTO

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

@iGreenMonk

I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

@fro_vo

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@realHamOnWry

You must be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

#MyBestInsult

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

@shutupmikeginn

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK