“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My love language is hissing.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.