Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.