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@pickupIines: are you my pinky toe because i'll bang you on all my furniture
@Mr_Kapowski: My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid
Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born
8 y/o daughter:
@HousewifeOfHell: WTF, marathoners? I don't even like to drive 26 miles.
@neiltyson: Earth is indeed bipolar, but it's not a disorder.
@internetluke: [boys at work talking sports]
Them: what's your favorite sport
@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.