Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie