“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”