Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

man i love columbo

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

every man in east london

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS