Are you ok, human???
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
9 circles of hell in this economy?
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.