Are you ok, human???
You Might Also Like
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.