Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.