Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Bread puns are on the rise!

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand