Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.