“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The pen is writier than the sword.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!