“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Saturday
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
hi why am I like this
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.