“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
this got me crying😭😭
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*