“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I love it all
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.