“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no