Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

No way!

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.