Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.