Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious