Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets