Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

classic mixup

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

💀💀💀💀

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.