Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vodka burrito was a success

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

You’ll be OK

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.