“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
