Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together