Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
placebo pills? more like sike meds
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–