@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

You Might Also Like

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@TheAlexNevil

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

@brianbowman73

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

@mrmakethings

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

@TinderSoul

*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

@NervousJr

Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….

@Shanomenonandon

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.