Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer


Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.


Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.


When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually


*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.


[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-



Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….


WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats


SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.