I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole
I’ve made a grave mistake.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Boss: “late again I see”
Brain: think of a good excuse!
Mouth: “your moms late.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.