@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

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@knotta_tardfan

I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@coolauntV

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

@Piecezilla

A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!

@RuinMyWeek

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.

@HomeProbably

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

@kelter1

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.