I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.