Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
This took me a second..
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.