Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting