ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
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My dad teaching me to drive
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
what’s really going on
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter