ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
