ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*