Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

how to market bottled water to dads

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.