“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Smells like a challenge to me
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.