“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
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It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
o shit
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far