“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”