Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.