“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
ibopfufen
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.