“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.