“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
sistine chapel
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?