“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Tapped in
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick