Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Not recommended for beginners.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

good work, everybody

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those