“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…