“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
do horses think humans are hats
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
They grow up so quick
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat