ME: I love you
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona