@cbdoubleu

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.

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@AndyAsAdjective

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

@AndrewChamings

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@MiahSaint

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@LosLos__

They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.

@Howiesbookclub

Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

@ArfMeasures

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona