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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies