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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit