“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
It’s his time
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
they really do be looking like this
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Never be a pizza!
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.