“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Worlds greatest photobomb
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no