“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

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No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.


Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.


[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.


Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.


“I’m going to live with you guys forever”

My five year old threatened


Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”