“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
#dalle2
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.