@sageboggs

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

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@daemonic3

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

@Ygrene

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

@qwertying

My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@WilliamAder

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

@TwistedEmbrace

I get 9″ in bed every night. That’s how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.