Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

How many? 🤔

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.