Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.