-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.