“are you single” no i’m in a hallucinationship
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Bobby pin
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
#SaturdayBears
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?