“are you single” no i’m in a hallucinationship
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Ion see the issue
