[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.