Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.