“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
new shirt idea
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.