“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*