“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol