“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Put a ring on it
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.