Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Who does Amazon think I am?
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[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
S O O N
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.