Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!