“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Perfect
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Only you can prevent podcasts
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.