Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there