Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy