Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Not all heroes wear capes….

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal