Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.