“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal