“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks