Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath