“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too