I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Goodnight 🐶
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.