Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
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God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My dream car is a taco truck.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Is your wife single?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
😎 🍻
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.