Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.