“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
giddy up Office Depot
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them