“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
You Might Also Like
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”